To those who have already written or spoken openly about their depression: Thanks to you I realized I was not alone. Let me help you shine light in this dark area of the human mind.
This is no cry for help or a plea for personal attention. I write this not because I need attention, I write this because depression needs attention. To those who think they are alone, find solace, there are more than you realize, and a support is within reach.
In October 2017 I was forced to face my lingering depression when it finally got out of control after slowly growing for what could have been nearly two decades. Let’s be clear, I mean depression not just feeling bad…it started innocently when I was barely 16. I didn’t have a bad youth, I had quite a good one to be honest. My parents were (and are!) amazing, friends were plentiful, freedom was abundant. There was, however, often a shroud covering the good things. I knew how good my live was, however, the shroud would often reappear for long periods of time no matter what. I had help but somehow was unable, or unwilling (I’ll get back to this), to get the grips of the situation.
As a student I had enough distractions to escape the gloom these depressed periods brought with them. Things started getting out of hand when my wife and I were happy to become parents (I truly mean this! My kids are a major source of happiness for me then and now). During the first years of their life I got a chance to follow a master’s program which I happily did…thing got busy. My old strategy of escaping, basically ignoring, my depressed periods started to backfire.
My new strategy of escaping into my work started to take it’s toll as well. I had several breakdowns and started feeling apathic. During the summer of 2016 I was forced to stop working before the summer holidays, which sounds nice but…trust me it wasn’t. At the start of the new year my workload was reduces with 50% which was slowly build back up over something like 6 months. This gave me time to recover and when people asked me how I felt, things were going ok. My kids were growing up and getting ‘easier’ to handle and my master was nearly finished...I lied to myself and them. In this lie I hid for several months, slowly being hollowed out and nearing the edge of the abyss. After finishing my master’s things didn’t change, I simply stepped over the edge.
During October of 2017 I needed to face reality, I was hollow, anxious and frustrated. My wife was mad at me for falling apart again, for which I don’t blame her. But worst of all…my kids noticed I was hadn’t act like “nice dad” for a long time. I sought medical help just in time, during the waiting period I entered a period of roughly two weeks in which I was extremely anxious. The medication I was prescribed served as a live line in my fall down the abyss. And as I hung there, looking around I started noticing points to hold on to and tools to use.
One thing I could control was my work, in hindsight it might not have been the best initial focus, but old habits die hard. Because I had trouble focussing I picked up Deep Work by Cal Newport and was amazed at how much support it gave me. Cal mentioned several interesting tools, but his words also gave me solace. I kept on reading these self-help books, they help me either control or breakdown my old habits and create new ones.
As I once was unwilling to face reality I now seek it out, facing my imperfections in stead of fleeing from them. Steering my weaknesses in stead of ignoring them. Climbing out was (or isn’t?) easy, but the tools are amazingly easy to get hold of.
I know now that I am not the only one, several people close either are or were depressed. However, this only became clear to me the moment I had hung there, looking around.
To whom read this, find solace in the fact that you are not alone. There is help, take hold with both hands and climb.
I owe a lot of people an enormous amount of thanks to people around me, first and foremost my family. Secondly to My friends, to whom I also count several close colleagues (we talked about this stuff, you know who you areJ). Thank you all, without you live would still lack many colours.